Alone with my thoughts for 20 miles.

Well. My first 20 miler yesterday was a success! It was every part “easy”, hard, challenging, painful, and mental, like I thought it would be.

I prepared for it. All week. Eating, hydrating, scaling back a tiny bit on workouts, but getting in the strength, etc…

I went to bed early the night before. Except I still woke up around 3:30 am and was kinda, slightly worrying about it and mentally going over the whole thing in my head. I just didn’t get out of bed until about 6:30, and then I started my routine. I was out the door around 8:45. It was a REALLY beautiful morning too at 56-60 degrees! Fall is here!

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I had decided that I was going to do this 20 miler around town to kind of break up the scenery. I didn’t want to get bored on the same ‘ol trail, and there was still a tiny bit of fear in there, so I figured if I was running around town and decided I was gonna die, I could at least call The Hus to come pick me up. ;) He wanted me to text him every 5 miles to let him know I was still alive and where I was at, so I decided to break up the 20 miles into 4 – 5 mile increments. This really worked for me because I was able to just stay focused on the 5 miles that I was IN. I would tell myself, “Only 4 more miles…3 more miles…” and then, “5 more miles!” This was a HUGE positive thing really helped with the mental challenge.

I ended up running to the 4 mile trail that I run a lot, and I ran 1 lap around counter-clockwise, then turned around and ran another lap, clockwise. So by the time I left there, I was around 9 miles. Then I ran down the road to the community soccer fields and ran a couple laps around the soccer fields. That was nice because there were soccer games going on on all the fields, so it kept me entertained. While I was there, I paused at mile 12 for a few sips of water, my banana, and to stretch out my legs. That next mile was rough though because I was feeling bloated. But after that, I felt better again and the energy hit me. I had brought an orange Nuun tab with me, so I popped that in my water around mile 16, and sipped on that at miles 17-19 – which were the hardest miles of the whole run.

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At that point, it was “only a 5k to go”, but it felt like a loooong 5k! My feet were sore and tired! I think THAT was the worst part really. When my watch struck ’20’, I was about a 1/2 mile from home. And I couldn’t walk another step. I called my Boyzzz to come get me. :) And then I thought about having to run 6.2 MORE miles…I just can’t even think about it. That 6.2 feels like it is going to be SUPER rough.

Anyway, I’m not going to think about it. I stayed confident during this run, so I’ll stay confident for the marathon. I seriously started the positive talks in mile 1. I just kept telling myself that you CAN do this! You’ve ran 18 miles, you can do 20. Your strong. Healthy. Capable. Just. Freakin’. Do it.

So I did. And I actually walked LESS on this 20 miler than I did for the 18 miler a few weeks ago! Progress! :)

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Came home and laid on the couch for a few with these essentials:

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P.S. look at these cute little mini grapes. I couldn’t eat them. They are still in the bag. (You needed to see them next to the regular sized one so that you can appreciate how tiny they are. :) )

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THEN! After a shower, it was time for ALL THE FOOD! ;)

Lunch:

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P.S. 1st time trying these Luvo burritos, and THEY ARE AMAZING!!!

Dinner:

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Have a great Sunday!

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Do you like running around your town or on running trails?

Do you plan walk breaks during a marathon, or just walk whenever you feel you need to??

What’s the best thing you’ve eaten all weekend???

First 20 miler – DONE!

I’ll tell ya about it tomorrow because right now I just wanna watching this movie and reeeeeee-lax! :) Just know that it went better than expected, and there was no reason for me waking up at 3:30 a.m., and never getting back to sleep because I was so worried about this run! Ya!

This is now what’s up:

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Hope your Saturday was great!

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1 year after a loss.

Sooooo ya, this is going to be a post on the serious side because well, this is my reality today. :)

While everyone is remembering 9/11/2001, I can’t stop remembering 9/11/2013. Maybe that’s just wrong of me…selfish?…non-patriotic?…whatever you wanna call it. But my “9/11” pain was last year. 1 year ago. I shared my story with you last year. Here, here, and here, and now I’m sharing the roller coaster I’ve been on since last year.

In case you missed those posts from 2013, I had emergency surgery last year, 9/11/13, for a ruptured Fallopian tube. I had just found out on 9/6 that I was 7 weeks pregnant, but it was a tubal pregnancy. This news came after trying and waiting to get pregnant for the last 14 years. I had originally been told I would never get pregnant on my own unless I did invitro. That was around the age of 21/22. At 29 years old, I had a miscarriage. Didn’t even know I was pregnant until I had the miscarriage. Devastating? Yes and no. The biggest thing I took from that situation was that the doctors were wrong. I COULD get pregnant. On. My. Own. :) Hope was restored!

Fast forward 5 years later, when I had kinda given up on ever getting pregnant again, and kinda decided I didn’t even want kids at this point, and boom! Pregnant again. Why I didn’t see the signs of the pregnancy when I was nauseous at an amusement park is beyond me…I chalked it up to getting old. Haha. Anyway, you can read more about that whole ectopic pregnancy/surgery experience in the links above.

A year after this completely unexplainable situation, I am here to tell you that I’m still alive. For the moment, I’m good. But I still ride the emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I’m OK for a few weeks, sometimes I’m a complete basket-case for months.

Sometimes I have not even been able to type the word “congratulations”, to someone’s pregnancy/birth announcement, let alone say it.

Sometimes, when I was completely exhausted, I was actually thankful that I didn’t have kids, because then I would not be able to take daily naps without any distractions.

Sometimes I would have a cry fest. While I’m running….That’s fun. ;)

Sometimes I was thankful that I didn’t have to push a BOB stroller filled with a child because then my runs could get ugly if the kid was hungry or needed a diaper changed or wouldn’t fall asleep to the soothing sounds of pounding feet on the pavement and the wind in their face. (Yes, that huge, long, run-on sentence would have probably landed me a big, red ‘F’ in English class.)

Sometimes I had to have a friend – thanks Rach ;) – represent me at a baby shower because I couldn’t handle going.

Sometimes I was able to make it to the baby showers and actually not cry at ALL during the whole thing. Or even afterwards! That was a HUGE success! :)

Then there was that one run, where I prayed that God would show me a deer every time I ran, as His promise to me that He would give me babies one day. That run ended with no deer being spotted. (AFTER, I typically see deer during my runs.) He told me He wouldn’t do that because He didn’t want me to know my future. That would lead to me not having or needing any hope or faith in Him for the unknown future. And He keeps telling me, on my runs, that He knows me. He knows my desires. And I need patience. P-A-T-I-E-N-C-E. (Can I admit that I freaking hate that word!? It’s been God’s life lesson for me. No joke.)

Anyway, those were NOT the best words I’ve ever heard, but it is what it is. I keep “feeling” the number 40. So I’m going to enjoy the next 5 years, kid-less. If it happens before then, great! If not, I will survive and we’ll adopt at 40 when the timing will be MUCH better for us to adopt/foster. (Or unless someone leaves babies on my doorstep. ;) That’s happened before you know! That sort of thing just happened to a sister of one of my friends!) I will still have my roller coaster, emotional days, but I’m standing on faith for my unknown future. :)

It’s completely ridiculous that the whole time I was getting ready this morning – rushing around because my alarm never went off and I got up late! – I kept waiting for my other tube to just randomly burst and I would have to endure that pain all over again. Ridiculous, I know. Especially when I was in the shower. I kept thinking, “I need to hurry up and wash this shampoo outta my hair, because if my right tube bursts, I remember the pain, and I don’t want to have to go into the hospital with shampoo still in my hair and I haven’t brushed my teeth yet! I’d like to at least look presentable! I mean, The Hus works at the hospital for gosh sakes!” True story.

When it comes down to it, I’d say for the last month or 2, I’ve been really good. The best I’ve been all year. I’m not sure why, or what the pivotal moment was, but I just gradually realized that I’m kinda actually really enjoying my kid-less, irresponsible (to a point…), selfish, sleep-whenever-I-want-to, life. Or maybe I just avoid allowing myself to really think about, and get depressed, over NOT having kids…either way, it’s working for me because I don’t want to go back to that place I was a year ago. Do I still cringe at every announcement? Ya, kinda. Do I still feel a tinge of jealousy at the newborn pictures? Yup. Do I still get angry at people becoming parents that shouldn’t be having kids? Or parents that already have kids, but shouldn’t? And shouldn’t keep having them? YESSSSSS! But I remind myself that if I’m being 100% honest with myself, we’re not really ready. Nope, not even at 35. I know that you should never wait until you can afford kids to have them, because you will never be able to afford them, but for our “ current situation”, 40 will be the age where we can afford to not only adopt, but we will be able to raise them the way we really want to – me staying at home to raise them, but still being able to go on vacations, save for their college educations, save period, send them to a private school, etc…those are things that are really important to us, so it’s just worth it to wait another 5 years. (Again! UNLESS someone leaves a baby on our doorstep! THEN it would be, “we’re MAKING this work NOW!” mode. ;) )

So. For now, we’re good. I’m good. Our life is good and we’re enjoying it – and each other. And even though we – I – want some things NOW, timing really is everything, and we really DO still have time. At this point, I’m just trying to find positives about the whole situation, and focus on those.  :)

So if you, or someone you know, is dealing with the same fertility/baby/miscarriage issues, know that you WILL survive. You CAN be content. You may have to do some erasing in your plans, but that’s ok! All of our paths are completely different and just because everyone around you is having babies at 20, doesn’t mean that your time is to have them at 20 too. And know that you don’t have to hide your pain. Your not alone. Trust me. When this first happened to me, and I shared it with some people, I kept finding out about other people going through the same thing. And you know what? Those people feel your pain and can cry and sympathize with you. Don’t try to handle the pain alone. One of the best things for me over the past year, has been meeting up with one of my friends, for a wine night, and talking and crying about our similar situations together. It helps because you realize you are not alone, you aren’t always unleashing on your spouse (because men typically “get over” this kind of situation a lot faster…), and we are there to support and pray for each other. And if you don’t have anyone to talk to, you can email me and I will listen. ;)

Ok. Enough serious, mushy, sad?? Ya, I think so too. I’ll be back tomorrow with some running/workout stories. :)

Now I’m gonna go swaddle my FURkid. :)

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The weather. 2 workouts. Lunch surprises. And Awesome Mix Volume 1.

This morning’s weather.

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Do you know how wonderful it is to run in 60 degree weather?! Oh. My. Gosh! It’s the best. AND! There was a chilly little breeze the whole time!

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After my little happy run, I came home, showered, then went to The Hus’ work to have lunch with him. His co-worker ended up surprising him with lunch from Fazoli’s for all of us! And a birthday cake! (His b-day was August 30th, but with the holiday and us being off a few days last week, today was the perfect day to continue birthday celebrations. NOW, the birthday is officially over.). How nice was she?! After lunch, I did some running around, took a little 20 minute cat nap (why are they called “cat naps”?? Cats’ naps are like 20 hours long. That’s like saying “I slept like a baby”. Babies don’t sleep. They cry all night. I mean, that’s what I’ve heard anyhow…)

THEN! My mom and I went to strength. This move:

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This workout was ALL upper body. Like, so much upper body, that when he was walking around the room at one point, he stopped in front of me and said, “Your arms are shaking”. And laughed. Yup. Yup, they ARE shaking so you can start your countdown from 8 now! :)

Anyhow, back to that picture up there. Sit on a bench. Put a resistance band around your feet like that. Then pull towards your chest and squeeze your back. Wow. And P.S. I actually found this bench at a yard sale in TN this past weekend. For $10. I was so excited because I had a bench back in like, high school, but kinda wanted another one and just have never gotten another one. They are handy to have for a home gym. Or just in your living room if your home gym IS your living room. :)

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Next on my list for my “gym”, a Bosu ball.

And last but not least, I was asked to post the Awesome Mix Volume 1 songs. If you’ve seen Guardians of the Galaxy, you know. It’s really awesome. Here is the You Tube link:

Aaaaand.  The songs:

Hooked On A Feeling – Blue Swede
Go All The Way – Raspberries
Spirit In The Sky Norman – Greenbaum
Moonage Daydream – David Bowie
Fooled Around And Fell In – Elvin Bishop
I’m Not In Love – 10cc
I Want You Back – Jackson 5
Come And Get Your Love – Redbone
Cherry Bomb – The Runaways
Escape (The Pina Colada – Rupert Holmes
O-O-H Child The Five – Stairsteps
Ain’t No Mountain High Enough – Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell

These songs have been added to my playlist. I now have a very diverse playlist and I love it. I’m enjoying music on my runs lately. :)

And I leave you with this: 

At 8:00 pm tonight, it was dark. Blah. Bring on the fall weather, but not the darkness at 3:00 in the afternoon.

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P.P.S.S. What are you thankful for today?? I’m thankful for:

~ perogies (I’ve had them for dinner about 4 times in the past week.)

~ yard sales (which I used to hate until this past weekend when I found something GREAT.)

~ The Tonight Show

Out of town running & a movie

Well. Philco and I are home from our weekend down to TN to visit his fam. I’m off again tomorrow, but he’s not. <insert hysterical laughter>

We left Thursday night and got home tonight and I was supposed to run 12 mile this weekend, but of course that never happened. I took my running clothes & shoes though! It was humid though, so there was no way I would have lasted running even 1 mile. Lucky for me, I knew their community center had a little fitness center, so I called and found out that you can drop in for $4. Sold. So on Saturday morning, before our cookout, I headed to the ‘mill.

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Sad moment: finding out their cable wasn’t working and it wasn’t getting fixed until Monday. Happy moment: Deciding to make this boring ‘mill run fun by jumping off every mile for 15 push ups in different variations. However, the TM completely stopped and shut off every time I did this, so I would have to restart my mile every mile. Eh, at least I wasn’t running in the humidity. And I had my music. And I now know exactly what I look like when I run. And! I got some push ups in! AND!! I changed up the speed/workout for each mile.

Mile 1: 9:50 pace

15 push-ups

Mile 2: 9:42 pace

15 tricep push-ups

Mile 3: 9:24 pace

15 wall “push-ups”

Mile 4: .25 @ 10:00 pace / .25 @ 8:00 pace / .25 @ 15:47 pace / .25 @ 7:41 pace

25 push-ups (a variation of push-ups that I don’t even know how to explain to you, but will have to take pictures one day to show you how I placed my hands….)

Mile 5: .25 @ 15:00 pace / .50 @ 7:41 pace / .25 @ 15:00 pace

15 side-to-side push-ups

Mile 6: 8:18

15 push-ups

And that was that. :) Doing push-ups in between the miles, and changing up every mile, really made this one of the funnest TM runs I’ve done so far. And I felt soooo much better just getting in at least SIX miles over the weekend. I may try to get my 12 miles in tomorrow morning, but I don’t want to do a 12 miler too close to the 20 miles I have to do on Saturday. So we’ll see. I may just do some miles every day this week to kinda keep it going since I normally have only been running 2-3 times per week anyway. I thought maybe just running everyday this week might “make up” for ignoring the 12 miles this weekend?? But hey, at least I’m not skipping a long run! ;) And P.S., I have pretty much been living in the Oofos sandals, and they. Are. Feet. Savers! Wow! I can’t say enough good things about them. I need all the colors and I’m throwing out ALL my other flip flops!

Phillipi, me, his 2 brothers, and one of their girlfriends, went to see Guardians of the Galaxy Saturday night. (After spending the whole day going back and forth with whether or not even go to a movie, AND if we were going to see Guardians or the Turtles…) Guardians won out, and it is SUCH a good movie. Phillipi’s new nickname is Groot Jr. because that is what he looks like when he “tries” to dance. And! I now have the ‘Awesome Mix Volume 1′ on my running playlist, so I’m excited to run tomorrow. :) And I’m excited about listening to music again when I run.

But until the next run, I’m releasing the happy endorphin’s by this:

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P.S. Have you seen the commercial about the little boy who washes the car in the rain? That. Is. Genius! I’m totally doing that next time I need to wash my car. :)

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Are you a Jimmy Fallon fanatic like me?

What’s your favorite comedy show/movie??